Maximizing Marriage with Love and Respect

Shepherd of the Hills Ev. Lutheran Church (WELS)

Ephesians 5:33

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (NIV).

It’s hard to believe it was already eleven days ago.  That was the morning that I, like many others, woke up filled with a frustrated and heavy heart.  It was the day after the presidential election.  President Obama had been re-elected, and the next day I was crushed.  I was absolutely down-hearted.  

But I should clarify: it wasn’t President Obama’s re-election that had dashed my spirits; it was rather the embarrassing way so many Christians were responding to it.  For those who had cast their vote for another candidate, it provided a wonderful opportunity to let their Christian light shine by being absolutely gracious in defeat; by seizing the moment and communicating to fellow Americans that Christians respect and honor all who serve in the government – regardless of party affiliation – because they recognize that such authority is given them by God himself.  It was a unique chance to surprise others who didn’t share the same political leanings and blow their mind by actually wishing our President the very best and being eager to keep him in their prayers – even if they didn’t vote for him!  If anyone, after all, should be able to cope with political disappointment, should it not be Christians, who recognize that God is still steering the ship no matter who holds what office in the local, state, or federal government?  But unfortunately so many instead reacted with extreme negativity, whining and complaining as if the end of the world had come.

I am afraid that Christians have missed some special opportunities.  But I don’t think it’s too late.  I don’t think it’s too late for Christians to review and re-evaluate our priorities.  It’s not too late for us to remember that government, while it certainly plays a part in establishing the moral compass of our society, only plays a part.  Let us not forget the part that we play.  For I would say with utmost confidence that every Christian is armed with a much more powerful tool than any government law, any government act, any government tax; we are armed with the gospel, and dear friends, the good news about Jesus will change hearts in a way that no law, act, or tax ever can.  If we are faithful in our proclamation of that grandest news of forgiveness and salvation in Christ alone – which, mind you, is the heart and soul of what Jesus calls his blood-bought followers to do – then sighs of frustration and discouragement at the ungluing of society will be replaced with celebration of kingdom advancements that will inevitably follow in the wake of the all-powerful gospel.

We know what a difference Jesus makes in so many facets of life.  This morning we have the opportunity to focus on one area in which Jesus makes a world of difference.  With all that we are inclined to cry out against in society today, there is really this one area that impacts so much of it.  In fact, to ignore it is to ignore what a former President saw as the greatest threat to the USA.  Jim Daly, president of Focus on the Family, recently recalled an exchange he once had with then-President George W. Bush.  When he asked President Bush what he thought was the greatest threat to the USA, he expected the President to respond with some sort of mention of terrorism, but the President opined instead that the greatest threat to the USA as he saw it was the deterioration of the family.

I am inclined to agree.  And if we agree on that, then we can also agree that you and I as Christians have perhaps more influence in society than we are aware.  If we recognize that Christ-centered families who live and proclaim Jesus can have a profound impact on the world, then Christ’s love compels us to model the best that families have to offer.  And if we are to do that, brothers and sisters, then we must recognize the importance of God-pleasing, Christ-centered marriage, on which every solid family is based.

“Christ-centered” marriage is the perfect description for what Paul covers at the end of Ephesians, chapter five.  In fact, in order for any marriage to find blessing in the verse on which we’re focusing today, Ephesians 5 verse 33, one absolutely cannot overlook the context which precedes.  The verses that come before verse 33 revolve completely around Christ.  The husband and wife who remember that Jesus Christ is the reason we even call it “Christian marriage,” are the husband and wife who stand to have a richly-blessed marriage together, as well as a faith-focused family.

That means first and foremost recognizing that Paul’s primary purpose in bringing Christ into the topic of marriage between husband and wife is not merely to lay him out as an example.  Christ cannot be relegated to being merely an example; he must rather be what Paul so clearly makes him out to be: our Savior. 

In verse 33 husbands are called to love their wives.  In the verses that precede (vss. 25-32), yes, Paul shows exactly what that love looks like in Jesus, but it’s more than that; he brings Christ into it because apart from Christ, the husband is incapable of loving his wife.  It’s not just that he needs in Jesus an example of how to love his wife, but he needs in Jesus a Savior who has removed his every stain, wrinkle, and blemish so that he even can love his wife.  It’s just not in a husband by nature to love his wife, or anyone else, for that matter.  All he cares about is himself.  Apart from Christ, he will love only himself and despise all others, slavishly serving himself all the way to his grave and beyond, into the eternal torment of hell, where all sin-ridden, self-serving souls are sentenced.  Husbands who are to love their wives need first to see that Christ’s love has rescued them from that punishment, washed and purified them with a new and pristine heart, and through that forgiveness has now made it possible for them to love their wives.

Wives are called to respect their husbands.  Again, in the verses that precede (vss. 22-24ff), Paul brings in Christ, but not primarily to serve as an example.  Wives too need to see that have had every stain, wrinkle, and blemish removed so that they even can respect their husbands.  Recall that immediately after the Fall, as a consequence of sin God had established that husbands would “rule over” their wives.  They would abuse their God-given roles as leaders, as heads of the family and lord it over their wives.  And guess what?  No one by nature wants to have anyone rule over them at all, and certainly not in a way that abuses such authority.  So the natural response for a fallen sinner is not to joyfully and willingly respect such a person and submit to him; it is rather to rebel and attempt to usurp that authority for self.  That is to say that apart from Christ, wives naturally desire to undermine the roles God gave to men and women, in rebellion they refuse to serve under or be ruled over by anyone, and will go kicking and screaming into the eternal torment of hell, where all such insubordinate souls are sentenced.  Wives who are to respect their husbands need first to see that Christ’s love has rescued them from that punishment, washed and purified them with a new and pristine heart, and through that forgiveness has now made it possible for them to respect their husbands.

So if spouses desire to maximize their marriage; if they long for the ability to give and receive love and respect with one another, which relationship is the most important relationship in their marriage?  Their relationship with Jesus Christ.  Jesus is not just an example for marriage; he’s the essence of it.  Without his redeeming work, without his meticulous life of perfection, his undeserved death, and victorious resurrection, we would still be in sin, uninterested and unable to show love and respect to our spouses.  But in Christ we have been forgiven – freed from sin and freed for a marriage that is characterized by love and respect. 

Now the husband with a holy heart lives for loving his wife the way he is called to.  He hears Paul write that “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself” (v.33) and it starts to make sense.  Only the dullest, most clueless husband fails to see the tell-tale signs all around him that indicate that his wife longs to be loved.  Books and movies filled with romance and love aren’t marketed to guys – didn’t you ever notice that you never see a commercial for the latest Nicholas Sparks book during the football game?  Why can your wife talk with her mother or her girlfriend for an hour, when even a five-minute conversation between you and a buddy is pushing it?  It’s because your wife is wired to connect emotionally and relationally with others, and she is at her best when her love tank is full through such things.  But don’t make the mistake of assuming that just because you throw an “I love you” her way frequently, that she feels that love on her end.  You might be saying it, but that doesn’t mean she’s feeling it.  Take the time to clarify with your wife how you can express love to her in a way that she also receives it, whether it be words of affirmation, quality time together, gifts, or simply holding hands (cf. “The Five Love Languages”).  Husbands, you are in a unique position in that your wife wants your love more than anyone else’s in the world.  Your marriage will be richly blessed when you bend over backwards to show it to her.

Wives, Christ has replaced your rebellious heart with one that seeks to support and serve your husband.  But don’t make the mistake of assuming that because your greatest concern is feeling love from him, that that’s what he wants in return.  Again, no Nicholas Sparks commercials during the football game… why? Because being loved by you isn’t his greatest need.  More than anything else – and he may not even clearly communicate this to you – but more than anything else, he wants your respect.  Paul identified that when he called wives to “respect [their] husband(s)” (v.33).  Your husband needs to know that you are in his corner no matter what, that you look up to him and appreciate what he does for your family as a husband and father.  He needs affirmation that you know he works hard to take care of you.  Speak highly of him to your friends and family members.  Follow his lead, and where leadership isn’t his strong suit, help and encourage him to step up and be the godly leader Jesus has redeemed him to be.  Your marriage will be richly blessed when you respect your husband, even when his own actions don’t deserve it.

Husbands and wives will maximize their marriages the more they see that Christ has renewed them to be able to show love and respect to each other.  The beauty is that as the husband loves his wife, the respect tends to naturally follow, and when the wife respects her husband, the love from him flows all the more freely to her. Husbands, love your wives.  Wives, respect your husbands.  Lord Jesus, richly bless their marriages as a result.  Amen.

 

“For the freer confidence is from one’s own works, and the more exclusively it is directed toward Christ alone, so much better is the Christian it makes.” (Luther)