“Fortifying the Family” Series, Week Three: When Marriage Gets Tough

The sixteenth sunday after pentecost

Shepherd of the Hills Ev. Lutheran Church (WELS)

Mark 10:2-12

2 Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 “What did Moses command you?” he replied. 4 They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.” 5 “It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. 6 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 10 When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11 He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” (NIV)

You have been assigned to a debate.  The issue up for debate is whether or not Americans are lazy.  On which side of the debate would you prefer to stand?  I suppose it depends on how one defines “lazy” and what evidence would be used to back it up.  It could be pointed out that the United States is the fattest nation in the world, ranking number one in obesity.  That might possibly draw conclusions that we’re lazy.  However, we work long hours and don’t get the several weeks of paid vacations that are the norm in other countries, and retire at a later age than many other developed countries, so maybe we’re not that lazy.  But then if you compare the 180 day school year in the United States with the 243 days of school that a student attends in Japan, maybe we’re not instilling as much of a work-ethic as we could be.  There’s more than enough room for a healthy debate about whether or not we’re lazy in a lot of areas, but one area in which we seem to be lazy – to be less and less willing to do the work – is in marriage.

I suppose I could quote a number of statistics at this point, but when it comes to marriage and divorce, statistics are very difficult field from which to extract any meaningful data.  The way statistics are recorded varies from state to state.  And, you’ve probably heard that half of all marriages end in divorce, but that technically isn’t what statistics say (a better way to say it would be that for every two marriages, there is one divorce; a subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless).  It is even harder to determine useable information today because fewer people are getting married, and fewer people are getting divorced.  More and more are cohabitating, so statistics in this area can easily be misconstrued. 

Better than considering statistics, simply look at how many divorced people you know.  Consider how many children have to split between time spent with mom and time spent with dad, depending on various custody arrangements.  You might also recall in days past when getting a divorce was taboo.  It doesn’t carry the same stigma today, does it, and a large part of that may be due to the fact that it is so much more common.  When we hear of celebrities getting married, almost immediately we want to place bets on how many months or years it will last.  While there are certainly legitimate causes for divorce, and divorce definitely takes its toll on those involved, too often divorce is perceived as an easy out when marriage gets tough.  This morning, as we continue Fortifying the Family, we want to consider the words of Jesus on marriage, and apply those words When Marriage Gets Tough.

It isn’t too difficult to figure it out why the Pharisees approached Jesus on the topic of marriage.  Mark clues us in by telling us they had ulterior motives in approaching him.  “Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, ‘Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” (v.2).  These men were not distraught over losing their wives or displeasing God by divorce; the only thing they ever cared about was saving face and looking good for everyone else.  So in order to make themselves look better, they sought to make Jesus look worse.  They hoped to trap him so that if he responded to their question one way, he would be disagreeing with Moses, and if he responded the other way, he would be disagreeing with God.  But Jesus’ response would show them that Moses and God did not have opposing views on marriage and divorce.

The Pharisees didn’t have honest intentions regarding marriage; they weren’t coming to Jesus to save a marriage that appeared to be falling apart.  But perhaps you feel that would be an accurate description for your marriage – one that is “falling apart.”  It’s possible that the word “divorce” hasn’t yet made its way into the picture, but still you may feel like all is not well.  Some husbands and wives are hurting.  There’s tension.  There’s frustration.  Little disagreements tend to blow up into destructive arguments.  There’s not enough money.  There’s no communication.  Pillows are drenched with tears at night.  Different sleeping arrangements are made.  The marriage is going in a direction you never imagined was even possible.

Or for some here, or others that you know, it’s worse than that.  Divorce has been discussed or threatened.  Not just different sleeping arrangements, but different living arrangements have been considered.  Counseling efforts have been exhausted.  Repairing the broken marriage seems impossible, and the only thing that matters now is discussing the best possible custody agreement for the kids.  When it comes to love for one another, that well appears to be empty.  The point of no return has been reached, and divorce seems imminent.

When we reach that point – if anyone here today is at that point – then we need to pick apart what Satan is selling: that divorce is the best option, or even any option at all.  Simply put, that notion is a lie, it is a mess, and it is a sin.  To believe that divorce is a preferred option in cases where no biblical grounds for divorce exist is just a lie.  Should that surprise us coming from the father of lies himself?  In Eden he convinced Adam and Eve that they’d be better off by eating the fruit – a flat out lie.  Today he smells the despair and the discontentment in a marriage from a mile away and tries to sell the same lie that you’d be better off just getting a divorce.  But, just as in Eden, so today, don’t buy what Satan’s selling: it’s a lie.

And it’s a mess.  While there are certainly some divorces that have gone better than others, even a relatively “smooth” divorce is not what God had in mind for marriage or the family.  If money disagreements were a leading contribution to the divorce, rest assured that won’t get any better as each side tries to part with a bigger piece of the pie.  Even just hearing the term “ex-wife” or “ex-husband” typically conjures negative thoughts, because that’s what we’re most often used to hearing about “exes.”  And while children may be resilient and be able to get through it, they won’t do so unscathed.  Whether there are trust issues, or an underlying guilt over whose fault the divorce was, or even cases when the child is able to manipulate each parent into a bidding war for his affection, divorce leaves a mess behind. 

The reason divorce leaves a mess behind is because that’s what sin always does.  Just to be clear, aside from the only two scriptural bases for divorce – adultery or desertion – getting a divorce is always a sin.  Society might tell us otherwise. Our friends might not agree.  Our own consciences may not see it that way.  But that is always how God sees divorce: as sin.  It takes what he designed and tramples on it.  It puts self above God’s will, which is always what sin does.  So just like any other sin, apart from repentance, apart from confession, the sin of divorce is every bit as condemning.  Divorce is a lie, it is a mess, and it is a sin. 

So it doesn’t really matter what issues arise that lead a couple to consider divorce an option, it is always sin that ends up breaking apart a marriage; it is always sin that causes divorce. What then is the solution to avoiding divorce?  If sin is the cause, then forgiveness is the solution.  It is always being able to apply forgiveness to any and every wrong within a marriage.  If sin is what breaks a marriage apart – and it always is, in every case – then only forgiveness can put a marriage back together.  Only forgiveness for husbands and wives who have cut each other so deeply, who have absolutely shattered their marriage vows to one another.  Only forgiveness can stop the train from jumping track and derailing into the horrible pile-up of divorce.  More than likely it will take patience.  It will probably take time.  But it will always take forgiveness to mend any mangled marriage.

Jesus died to pay for the sins that stain a marriage.  He died to pay for the sins that stain your marriage and mine.  Jesus was well aware that if there were ever going to be any problems with marriage, it wouldn’t be because of some design flaw on God’s part, but because of the flaws of sin on the part of husbands and wives.  Yes, Jesus died to save your marriage, because you cannot on your own.  It can only be saved through the forgiveness that only Jesus has earned.  But he gives that forgiveness freely to each of us, and invites us to do the same to others, even when our spouse may have crushed us with devastating words and actions.  That is when forgiveness is needed most.  And we have it.  We need only to apply it to one another.

As we do, we find a renewed interest in Jesus’ teaching on marriage to those who tried to trap him.  We look to Jesus’ words and see four points that provide encouragement for husbands and wives to remain committed to their marriages.  Jesus said, “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (v.6-9). 

First, your marriage is worth fighting for because God created both you and marriage.  Marriage comes from God.  It is good.  It pleases him.  He blesses it and wants to continue blessing it, so it is worth the work. Second, God saw marriage as such a priority that it is designed to have a permanent impact on all of your relationships.  As we grow up, no relationship on earth is more precious to us than that which we share with our parents.  But at marriage, our relationship with our spouse replaces that relationship with our parents as our greatest priority and most precious relationship.  Such an arrangement is not one that ought to be quickly cast aside in divorce.  Third, in marriage the two become one flesh.  In other words, one plus one equals one.  When you are joined to each other in marriage, that is a bond which God intended nothing and no one else to break, but death alone.  Have you ever taken a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and tried to separate the peanut butter from the jelly after they’ve already been spread on together?  It can’t be done cleanly.  Neither can a marriage in which the two have become one be separated cleanly. Fourth, your spouse wasn’t just a random interchangeable part with whom anyone could have been matched; rather, it was God who joined you two together in marriage.  If God brings two people together in marriage, is it our place to turn around and claim to know better by ending the marriage in divorce?  Certainly not…

Not even when your marriage gets tough, which it will.  It’s not if, but when.  Your marriage will get tough.  See to it that you know what to do when you start to hear the turbulent waters approaching.  If you’ve ever gone white-water rafting, you know that you want to go when the water level of a river isn’t too high.  If the water is too high, then there will be no rapids and the adventure will be pretty lackluster.  But when the water level is low, then the rocks and rapids present an adrenaline-laced adventure.

But in your marriage it’s the other way around.  When you are experiencing the strong currents and the rushing rapids that seek to dash your marriage against the rocks or pull you under the water, it very well might be because the level of living water in your marriage is too low.  It needs to be raised to carry you above the logs and rocks and dangerous undercurrents.  Raise the level of living water in your marriage through Word and sacrament.  Chances are, when marriage gets tough, there’s likely a lack of that living water that only Jesus can provide.  Let the cool and refreshing waters of his forgiveness flood your marriage, and he’ll carry you through the rapids and raise you above them.  With Jesus as our greatest treasure in marriage, that’s how we fortify our families, even when marriage gets tough. Amen.

“For the freer confidence is from one’s own works, and the more exclusively it is directed toward Christ alone, so much better is the Christian it makes.” (Luther)